Maybe it happened today.

You were in a conversation in English, and it was going okay. Then someone started speaking, and their English was beautiful. Quick, smooth, full of little details.

And something in you went quiet.

Your answers got shorter. You had something to say, and you didn't say it. And afterwards, you felt a bit silly for letting it get to you.

If that sounds familiar, I want you to know that we hear this from so many women.

In this article, I want to show you something about that moment that can help you to change how it feels.

Once you can see it, the whole conversation might look different, in a good way!

Plus I'll share two simple things that will get you out of trouble next time.

Watch or listen to the episode

Prefer to listen? Here's the podcast version.

Why does speaking English with fluent people feel so intimidating?

Part of it is real, and part of it is a story

I want to start by saying: part of what you felt is completely real.

When someone speaks quickly and easily, it's harder to keep up. By the time you've found the words for your idea, the conversation has moved on. Your story comes out flatter than it sounds in your head. That's frustrating, and you're not imagining it.

But there's another part, and it's usually the part that hurts the most. It's the voice that says, "I'm wasting their time." "They're being patient with me." "They'd rather be talking to someone else."

That voice feels very sure of itself. But it's guessing. You can't see inside their head. And when you're nervous, your guesses about what other people think of you are rarely kind ones.

So let's look at what's actually happening in front of you.

What are you really hearing when someone sounds fluent?

The smooth part is the only part you saw

Have you ever watched someone park a car perfectly in one go? Into a tiny space, on a busy street, without even looking stressed?

It's impressive. And it's very easy to stand there and think, "I could never do that."

But you didn't see the years before. The first lessons. The times they hit the kerb. The times they gave up and drove around the block looking for an easier space. You only saw the one smooth park at the end.

Fluent English is like that. When you listen to someone who speaks beautifully, you're only hearing the part where it works.

If they learnt English as a second language, like you, then they've had those moments too. The word that wouldn't come. The joke nobody understood. The conversation they couldn't wait to leave. They had all of that. It just happened before you met them.

And if English is their first language, they've had their whole life to practise. Of course they're quicker. That was never a fair comparison, and you don't need to win it.

So next time you hear that voice say, "Their English is so much better than mine," try asking a different question:

"What have they done that I haven't done yet?"

The answer is almost always the same. They've had more conversations. Hundreds more, probably. And that's the best news in this whole post, because more conversations is something you can have too.

What can you do when you get stuck?

Two things that work, even on a bad day

Understanding all this helps. But in the moment, when your mind goes blank, you need something you can actually say. Here are the two I'd give you.

1. Say what's happening

When you lose a word, the silence feels terrible. Part of the reason is that the other person doesn't know what's going on. Are you finished? Are you upset? Should they jump in?

So tell them. Something like:

"Give me a second, I'm looking for the word."

It sounds so small, but it makes a big difference. Now everyone knows what's happening. You have time. And very often, the other person relaxes and waits, or helps you find it.

Here's something you'll notice once you start listening for it: fluent speakers do this too. "Hmm, how do I put this?" "What's the word…?" They're not perfect. They're just comfortable taking a moment.

2. Ask about their practice

This is the one that flips the whole situation. If they learnt English as a second language, ask them:

"Your English is so good. How did you practise?"

Most people love being asked this. And the story you'll hear is the part you didn't see: the years, the awkward conversations, maybe a funny mistake or two. You'll hear that they started somewhere, too.

And notice what's happened. You're not trying to keep up anymore. You're asking a good question, and they're happily answering it. That's a real conversation.

What if you went quiet and left feeling awful?

One conversation doesn't decide anything

It happens. It happens to so many people learning to speak a new language, and it doesn't mean you're not ready.

If it's still on your mind, here's something you could do tonight. Write down the thing you wanted to say but didn't. Write it in English, as well as you can, with no one waiting and no clock ticking. You'll probably find you had more to say than you thought.

Then go back. Not to prove anything, just to have another conversation. That's how the gap between you and them gets smaller.

If it's the fear of getting things wrong that really holds you back, I wrote about where that fear comes from in Why Are Adults So Afraid of Making Mistakes? And if you're wondering who to practise with, this post explains why people at your own level can be some of the best partners you'll find.

Questions we hear all the time

Why do I feel intimidated speaking English with fluent people?

Partly because it really is harder to keep up with someone who speaks quickly. And partly because of the worry about what they think of you. Remember that you're only hearing their English now, not all the practice that came before it.

What should I say when I forget a word in English?

Tell the other person what's happening: "Give me a second, I'm looking for the word." It turns an awkward silence into a normal pause, and it gives you time to think. Fluent speakers take moments like this too.

Is it okay to ask someone how they learnt English?

Yes. If someone learnt English as a second language, asking "How did you practise?" is usually a compliment, and most people enjoy answering. You'll often hear that their English took a lot of time and conversations to build.

Should I avoid practising with people whose English is better than mine?

No. It can feel harder, but those conversations show you where more practice can take you. A mix is best: people at your level for relaxed practice, and more fluent speakers to stretch you.

Emma xx

Ready for your next conversation?

The person who intimidated you had to start somewhere. So do you, and it's a lot easier with women who are all there to practise, at every level.

Here's a simple way to start:

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Every fluent speaker you've ever admired had a first conversation too.